I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Without you.

2 years ago today, I left my son in a room for doctors to take him back for surgery. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him & everything would be okay. I walked away, outside of the room, I broke down in tears, sobbing, scared to death that was the last time I would see him. Many times his cardiologist told us if his heart ever stopped it would be hard to resuscitate him. This morning I woke up at 8:00, which was about the time they took him in for surgery. I left him in the room at 7:30. Then I woke back up at 9:30, they stopped his heart and put him on bypass at 9:25. That was one of the scariest times of my life, knowing his heart wasn't beating and his blood was being ran through machines. I remember looking out the window when I got that update, looked to the sky and prayed hard, I couldn't talk much, I just wanted to pray. I got tears in my eyes the whole time. It's a tough pill to swallow when you get an update like that even when you know that's what they have to do in order to make his heart get better. There isn't a cure for congenital heart defects, only treatments...

I never wanted to live in a world without him. I didn't think I would be forced to do that either....I have flashbacks and miss it all so much. I miss him. It's just not fair that there is nothing I can do to help him now. Do you understand what it's like to be helpless when it's your child? I know some of you know what I mean because you walk this road, or you're on the journey with a child who has a special heart. I wish I could change how things happened. I hate this month though because it just means in 4 months it'll be 2 years since my son took his last breath. The months after his surgery were probably his hardest, well April was, May was pretty good for the most part. Then we come to June, that's when he went to UVA and put on the transplant list. Then we know where we are with July.....I hate how fast all this comes at me because it's so close together. Cherish every moment with your babies, because you never know what the next minute will bring you ♥

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