I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The heart of a grieving mother

As Thanksgiving is approaching, Kayden's birthday, Christmas and a new year I feel I need to write this...

Society keeps quiet about child loss, like it's a disease and if you speak about it then you'll catch the disease. Well I'll shut them down quick and say it's not a disease, my son lived, and my son passed on, I speak his name daily, and sometimes I want others to talk about him too.

Since I lost my little love bug, life has been a struggle. It's a daily walk as a grieving mother...I never understood the importance of life, I took things for granted and didn't have a care in the world. I had my perfect kids and perfect life. And then in 2010, my world came crashing down around me, I heard the words congestive heart failure from a doctor talking about my 2 1/2 year old son. I was scared to death, and for the next year I was in the fight for his and my life. Though then I didn't know I would only have a year left with him. Any little thing got him put in the hospital, ear infections, simple colds, or just his heart failure. In June 2011 Kayden was put in the hospital, evaluated and listed for his heart transplant and then in the early morning hours of July 14, 2011 my life, and my world was shattered. Kayden James Barnes went to Heaven that morning while waiting on a heart transplant, Kayden was 3 years 6 months and 23 days old.

Since that day my life became different. I felt different, I talked different, I loved different, I was like a completely different person. At first I was angry God took my son, I was mad at the world that my son was gone and everyone else had theirs, I couldn't even look at a 3 year old without being sad. People always said everything happens for a reason and I have always been a strong believer in that. But at that time in my life, I asked myself HOW could there be a reason for taking my sons life? Where is the reasoning behind that? I couldn't find the answers, I shut down away from everyone. I couldn't talk to people without tears in my eyes. People say the first year is the hardest, well I tell you what every year since he's been gone it's been hard and honestly every day since has gotten harder for me because it's been longer and longer since I've seen him, held him, or heard his sweet voice.

Here I am 3 years 4 months and 8 days later since I lost my baby and I admit I'm in a better place in my grief. I still miss my baby every day, I still think each day is harder, I don't believe it'll ever be easier. Every holiday seems to get harder without him, though I'm happy for my other kids. I love different, I love with all of my heart now, when I give it away I expect you not to break it, handle it with care because it's a fragile heart. My heart has been beat, broken, and shattered. It's been pieced together and scarred over. I look at the world and life in a different perspective. I care more about others and their feelings. I appreciate simple things more and I'm in church and doing great, though that is a walk all on it's on. I'm angry much less, though some days I get angry and yell and scream, WHY ISN'T MY SON HERE?! I'm now on a mission to help other families who are affected by congenital heart defects and child loss. I am doing all I can to keep my son's memory alive and tell his story.

Kayden is no longer here on earth with us, but he lives on through me and his brothers and sister. He lives on through his pictures, stories, and the memories he left behind. My heart hurts so much for my son, though I've learned to cope and handle the emotions. They come in waves by the way. I'll be happy in the morning but be a screaming crying mess by night some days. This Thanksgiving will be our 4th without that sweet handsome little boy. Kayden would be 7 years old December 21, I wonder what he would look like now, how would he be with his sister and his brothers, how much would his personality have grown. He had one heck of a personality anyways. I also wonder if he would have gotten his new heart and been okay.

The heart of a grieving mother is a mystery. You have to handle it with care, because she has lost the most precious gift anyone could ever have, she has seen and heard things that no one ever wants to. The words no mother ever wants to hear, 'I'm sorry your child died'. No they didn't put it that way to me at least but that's pretty much how it sounded. I had one doctor say, he was doing great a couple days ago what happened?! I had another say he was a very sick little boy, I'm so sorry for your loss. That has to be one of the hardest jobs for a nurse or doctor to tell a mother and family that a child is gone. Kayden had a few favorite nurses so they gave him his last bath that morning before their shifts ended. The nurses and doctors who came in our life with forever hold a place in my heart and I'll forever be grateful.

At the end of the day when the world is quiet and no one is moving in my house, I sit and think how much life would be different had Kayden lived. I cry, I miss him, I close my eyes and just go back to those days I held him, the days I watched him sleep, the days he played before he got really sick. I fear I'll forget what he sounded like so I'll sit and I'll think back to his voice and his cute little phrases and some days when my memory fades, I'll watch his videos just to hear him and see him, because I know at that moment in time, my sons heart was beating, he was here and was alive.

All I want is the world to know CHILD LOSS HAPPENS. It's not a disease, you can't catch it by listening. Say our child's name, don't tell us at least you have other kids. That is one of the worst to ever say and you'll get your head bit off, my other kids do NOT fill the loss, they do NOT heal the wounds from the battle I faced and am facing forever. They are their own people and are not Kayden. No one will ever take Kayden's place. Just listen to a grieving mother and you'll get a look into her heart....

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's been awhile...

Wow so I'm such a slacker, I haven't blogged since June!! So much has happened since then. Kayden's much dreaded 3rd Angelversary was on July 14. I still can't believe it's been 3 years since I've saw my 3 year old son. Over the last 3 years so much has happened, yet nothing has gotten easier. I still miss my baby boy as much as I did the day he left this world. Kayden was such a special little boy and no one will ever take his place and we'll continue to remember him and do good in his memory.
Also, on August 22, 2014 I brought my rainbow baby into the world. Elijah Isaac-James was born at 11:48am. He was born 3 years 1 month and 8 days after his oldest brother took his last breath. Elijah is the sweetest little guy ever, just like is big brother. He's got beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I hope they don't change.
Tavion started kindergarten at the beginning on the month. That's a tough pill to swallow. I can't believe he is old enough for big school. It breaks my heart, and Alexis started 3rd grade. My mind is still trying to wrap around me having a 3rd grader and kindergartner but the fact Alexis is almost 9 years old makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out LOL. I mean soon she will be in the double digits and be 10 AH! Seems like a lifetime ago....like it happened to someone else. I tell you a lot has happened since that February in 2006. At least their dad and I can most of the time get along without fighting and yelling at each other. Crazy isn't it lol!

Anyways on a serious note, I've been having some hard days lately. Missing Kayden so much, I hold Elijah all the time and talk to him about all the kids and I've been telling him about Kayden. My heart hurts because I'll never have a picture of Kayden holding Elijah like I do of him holding the other boys. It really breaks my heart, the only picture I have is Elijah in his car seat sitting next to Kayden's headstone. Which he did get to visit Kayden for the first time the other day with me. I feel overly protective over Elijah and I'm not sure if it's because he's my last child, my rainbow baby, or because I'm the only parent involved in his life..Or maybe it's all those reasons, so I feel I have to give him extra love so I don't let him cry much and I do always have him. I know I should let him cry to help build his lungs, but I feel so bad for letting him cry. It makes me feel horrible inside. Ya know, I'm not sure if I'll ever find me a guy to spend my life with. I'm so strong willed and stubborn I haven't found a man strong enough to handle me. It makes me wonder if that's why God has blessed me with boys ♥ Just say a prayer for me that hopefully these hard days go easy on me.

Elijah Isaac-James

 Elijah visiting Kayden for the first time

Me and my rainbow ♥ 

 Happy 1 Month to Elijah ♥

 Tavion and Alexis on their first day of school ♥

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I'm not who I use to be....

Today at church got my mind thinking. Not only did our pastor's wife sing one of my favorite songs ever, 'Redeemed' but the message really spoke to me. Spoke to me enough to blog about tonight and hopefully inspire someone. I have a lot of ghosts in my past as we all do, a lot I've done I'm not proud of. A lot that still haunts me by people I've known from long ago. They always bring up well I remember when you did this Misty, and I am like yea I don't even know who that person is anymore. It frustrates me that they bring those times up because I have pushed them to the back of my mind and forgotten them. I have asked for forgiveness I have gave my heart to God and I am doing my best to live right and stay true to him. I do need renewed sometimes in my walk and relationship with Jesus. When I feel like I'm failing him I pray about it and I will tell him Lord if there is anything I'm doing  wrong and not realizing it show me so I can change that. I mean I don't do much anyways stay home with the kids, go to moms and go to church lol. Facebook and blog. That's practically my life anymore. I don't go and drink and I don't do drugs. I'm not out here killing people, so yea I'm believing I'm doing what I'm suppose to yes we all can do better. Look what he did for us. So I know I can do better....

Honestly, I can't tell you when my relationship with Jesus Christ actually started. Maybe from the moment I was born or maybe it was not until 9 months ago when I started going to church regularly? I know I've always believed. I've never doubted there was a God. I thought I was invincible as a child and teenager as most do. But when I look back, our God is powerful, he is just amazing, he heals and he protects. Few people know unless you have known me forever know that I almost died at birth. I was born with a diaphragmatic hernia, I had a hole in my diaphragm so all of my stomach contents were in my chest cavity, I had to have surgery at only hours old. The doctors told my mom I probably wasn't going to survive...but I beat the odds and did make it. I was stubborn and a fighter but I had a God looking over me he knew I would be someone someday. I had another surgery at 10 years old due to scar tissue growing on my intestines and they had shifted, I probably could have died then if I wouldn't had went to the doctor. Since then I haven't had any issues out of that, though I'm reminded of that all the time, I have a huge scar going up my stomach from it. Again in 2002 I got hit by a pick up truck, luckily again I had a God watching over me and it fractured my back. I remember the impact and I remember hitting the ground. I remember trying to stand up and felt like knives poking out of my side. That could have been much worse...I continued to live my life as an invincible teenager though. Didn't change anything I was doing. Though you'd think by then I would have learned.

At 17 I had a miscarriage, that opened my eyes a lot and when I got pregnant 2 months later I was scared to death something bad was going to happen but 6 days after my 18th birthday I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was healthy as could be and a gift from God! But then at 19 my life took another drastic turn and this I believe is when my faith actually started getting tested finally, I believe now this is when God wanted me to start my walk with him, though I guess I was completely oblivious to it. I gave birth to my second child, another wonderful gift from God, a miracle. A son this time, Kayden James Barnes who was born with some health conditions and I wasn't sure of how his future would turn out. I did start praying then more than ever before. Most of you know Kayden's health conditions but if you are reading for the first time he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy and what then they though was ebstein's anomaly (later said to be a displaced tricuspid valve with severe regurgitation). Anyways as months went by Kayden had surgeries, we had many doctors appointments seems like every day we had one. Kayden ended up growing like a normal boy, besides taking 2 meds for the first year of his life for his heart condition, after that first year he only took 1. His heart function was almost normal by the time he was 2 years old. So we just lived our lives. I had Tavion in May 2009 who was completely healthy as could be and had more spunk in him than any child I'd ever seen! Life couldn't have been more perfect for our family.

But then in June 2010, Kayden had to have another surgery he was 2 1/2 years old and this was his 5th surgery. This was suppose to be a simple one to remove a cyst that had formed beside his ear. It was the first outpatient surgery he ever had. So I was nervous about it anyways. The morning of his surgery his ear was draining, but the ENT said oh no he is fine to go on with surgery, he didn't consult the cardiologist. I don't know what I was thinking, all I know now is I keep screaming to myself WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY NO NOT UNTIL YOU CALL HIS CARDIOLOGIST!! But I guess with his heart function being almost normal at his last appointment that was back in September of 2009 I thought oh he'll be perfectly fine......So surgery went on. After that surgery my son came out a different child. A month later my faith was put to the test again, Kayden went in congestive heart failure. I tell you his journey with heart failure I think my eyes cried more tears than they had ever cried until the day I lost him. I didn't know what would happen after that. I prayed daily for my son to be okay, though I never gave the situation fully to God, I thought I could handle it on my own. Though now I realize it was not in my control, it never truly was. It was always in his control. I witnessed a miracle with Kayden, when he had his open heart surgery they had to stop his heart and put him on the bypass machine. All the months prior and all the hospital stays his cardiologist would tell us how sick my sons heart was and how if his heart were to ever stop it would be hard to resuscitate him. I had the doctors at UVa tell me that he would probably not make it through a valve repair or replacement. When I left Kayden in that room in Boston I wasn't sure if I'd see him alive again. My heart fell to the ground and I broke down in tears outside the room because I didn't want him to see me upset. But Kayden came through that surgery, his heart took right over after that repair and come off the bypass fine. His surgeon in Boston was the best surgeon he could have ever had. Boston's Children's Hospital is the #1 hospital for pediatric heart patients. The surgeon who did the surgery from what I've heard is the best of the best, he told us after surgery they were surprised they figured Kayden was going to give them more problems then he did. So when my son came out of that surgery that well, yes ma'am or sir I witnessed a miracle, I witnessed God heal my son that day. Though he was not cured and not out of the woods, he brought him through that surgery and recovered perfectly fine.

Unfortunately it didn't last and to make the long story short and get to my point, his surgery didn't take but for about a month and it just had gotten worse. My heart was broken, I didn't know what to do or where to turn. All I knew is that the best surgeon couldn't fix my son's heart then who would be able to. So we knew he needed a transplant. He was admitted to UVa June 14, 2011 to be evaluated and listed for his new heart, his gift of life. My faith was running low, I always said ALWAYS said, why would God put Kayden through all of this from the beginning just to take him away. Why would he? What kind of person would do that? So that kept going through my head the whole time he was sick and in the hospital when he had a hard time coming off the ventilator so they left him on it a few more days. Though I continued to pray, I asked God to make him better just help him. It was totally out of my control, I couldn't give him medicine or put a band-aid on it and make it all better anymore. All I could do is hold his hand and talk to him, whisper in his ear and kiss his little head. Tell him everything was going to be alright. That is all I kept telling him, bubby everything is going to be alright, you just keep on fighting you hang in there. And he would just shake his head and if he was sleeping I'd still tell him the same thing, hang in there bubby it'll be okay, I love you. The night I got that call that we were losing him, I had never in my life fell to the floor in prayer but that night while rushing around the house trying to get thoughts together get in touch with someone to come pick me and the kids up to get me to the hospital because I was advised by my mom not to drive. I fell to the floor on my knees and begin to pray to God out loud to not take him from me, keep him here I needed him, I was talking to Kayden too and told him you hang in there baby I'm coming. Just keep your little heart beating. When I got the call back that Kayden was gone, I couldn't help but ask God WHY WHY DID YOU TAKE MY SON, WHY WHY WHY?!
...............................................Fast Forward to today..................................

Today June 8, 2014, it has been almost 3 years since I lost my son and I have been regularly going to church now since I think September of 2013. So many times I can not tell you how many or how many people have told me, Misty I admire you for going to church for all you have been through. If I lost my child they would have had to put me down I wouldn't have been able to go on.

You know I can't really put into words how I feel daily, yes I do agree I have been through a lot just in the last 4 years. I did try going to church after I lost Kayden, and honestly I couldn't I cried EVERY time I went into the church no matter what the message was, I cried. I cried because I still blamed God for taking Kayden, I blamed him for putting me through this I blamed him, he was in charge HE was the one who was suppose to keep my son here. HE made Kayden how he was and put him through all those surgeries 6 total in 3 1/2 years. So yes I did blame God for taking him and putting him through all of that and I was ANGRY I was very angry. But as time went on I kept thinking different things and looking at it different. I asked God to make Kayden better, and Kayden is better now he is in Heaven, he has a new heart in Heaven. It takes my breath away sometimes and brings tears to my eyes when I think about how his face looked when he woke up in Heaven and saw Jesus for the first time. Children that age, they go to Heaven, they don't know the difference between right and wrong, they still have that innocence in their selves. When I look at all the things God has allowed me and our family to do to honor Kayden and help other families dealing with hospital stays out, I feel Kayden with us. From the first toy donation we ever did for his birthday back in 2011 until last years in 2013. Each year it gets bigger and bigger, and I tell you God has big plans for our mission. I have been called and I believe in my heart to help these families out, I feel there is more he wants me to do and I'm not sure what it is, but I am hoping soon I will realize what that is. I have dreamed of also telling Kayden's story in real life giving people a sense of hope after loss. Life as a grieving mother is hard. Losing you're child, there is no worse. You don't get over that loss, it's one that will stick with you until the day they lay you in the ground. But you don't have to life in the grief, you can be happy also and smile. You can still walk with your child, maybe not physically but I carry Kayden in my heart every single day of my life and that will never change. The loss of my son really hit me harder than anything ever has and it made me a new person. I don't know who I was before I lost him, but now I am a better person and I have turned to God to help me get through those trying days when I feel like I don't have the strength to get out of bed. Because I know with him ALL things are possible. I do believe in my heart I will one walk in the Kingdom of Heaven with my God, with my grandparents, with my mom, and especially with my son.

So on your most difficult days, I want to challenge you to stop what you're doing clear your head and pray about your situation, but after you pray about it I want you to make a change, a change that will help better that situation for you. Because he hears us but still sometimes we have to do things for our selves to make things better.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Count your blessings..

Have you ever watched your child lay so helplessly in a bed with wires and IVs and monitors beeping? I've had a rough week this last week, flashbacks, people trying to bring me down which make me want to go back in time...and I hate saying it but have some extremely hard days coming in front of me...May was the last full month Kayden spent at home with us. It was the last appointment he had with his cardiologist here in Roanoke. That man and those people at that office have no idea the impact on my life and on my sons life they had. I can never repay them or thank them enough for all they done for Kayden. They are the most compassionate people I have ever met. I went for my fetal echo last week with Kayden's cardiologist. The receptionist at the front desk, came out to the waiting room holding Kayden's memorial thing from his service, she said she still keeps it in her book. It meant so much that she still remembers my boy. Then his cardiologist asked how I was and he even told me he still thinks about Kayden. That really meant a lot.

So many people in this world take things for granted, they think that they have everything in the world..They think their lives are perfect. I'll tell you the moment you start thinking that is when you get knocked right back down...No one is perfect, I was one of those people who swore up and down that I would never lose my, those things don't happen to people like me. Now here I am, I'm a mom of 5 with 3 here on this Earth with me, and one in the making.

I have seen so many things a mom shouldn't have to see her child go through, I know there are people out there who have went through so much more and probably worse. It really opens your eyes when you see your baby laying there with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him, he's not moving because he is sedated and paralyzed by medications so he doesn't pull it out and his little body can rest. When only days before he was smiling wide awake, talking to you. I've watched my child fight for his life, I've saw his body get weak and get strong. And then...I saw my son get weaker and fought so hard to keep his spirits up to fight for him to live....Then I held my child's lifeless body in my arms for hours after he had passed, cried over him and kissed him over and over telling him how much I love him, and how it would be okay. Kayden needed to hear those words to know it was okay he left us from this world, I didn't want my 3 year old thinking he done anything wrong by letting go of the fight. My baby boy was so special, I miss him so much. More than anything in this world. I have laid my son in the arms of doctors arms to save his life, I've also gave my son to a funeral home to prepare him for everyone to say their final see you later's.

Those days after Kayden passed away they are a blur, I remember more now than I did a year ago. Each year something else comes back to me. I was going through a few of his things the other day, it's always so emotional but I know it's something I have to do from time to time. His clothes still smell just like he did...I still have much more to go through and I'll eventually get to it.

One of the hardest parts these days is how time keeps moving, and how I have flashbacks and how scary they can be sometimes, sometimes they are so bad they bring me to my knees in tears. I feel the ache in my bones like I did when I lost him. Sometimes I feel like I've put a void over my heart where he belonged to try to forget the pain. But that's impossible. That pain will always be there, it's a part of me now, he IS my son.

I have saw the worst a mother could see, he child's lifeless body.
I have overcame and still learning from a journey God has put me through.
I have counted my blessings and been thankful for those 3 years I had Kayden.
I have signed my life away on papers that could have taken my sons life.
I have learned what unconditional love truly is.
I have learned that you can learn so much more from a child than what we can teach them.
I am thankful God chose me to be Kayden James' mom.
I am proud to be Kayden's mom and I will wear that title proud until the day I leave this Earth and am celebrating with my son in Heaven, and still I will be proud to be known as Kayden's mom ♥

With this blog, I hope you leave with your mind spinning, counting your blessings, being thankful for those children who run up and say 'i love you' just because. Tavion did that to me today which made my heart melt. I want you to look at the circumstances you are having right now and just remember they are temporary. Someone somewhere today is fighting a much tougher battle than you can imagine. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because the pain is so bad, but then remember someone somewhere today is going through something much worse....Be thankful for those years God gave Kayden to me.

Monday, May 5, 2014

My name is Misty...and I have a Mother Heart.

I'm a day late posting this but late is better than never...Yesterday Sunday, May 4, 2014 was International Bereaved Mother's Day. Honoring those Mother's who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, infant and child loss. This year we speak out and tell about our Mother heart..What is in my mother heart, you ask? Keep reading and you will get a glimpse of what's there...

My name is Misty, and I have a Mother Heart! My Mother Heart feels, happiness, grief, love, sadness, hope, brokeness, strength, courage, and faith. You didn't know a heart could hold all of those at once? I don't live in my grief and sadness, though it's there. I live day by day, some are happy some are sad and dark, and on those sad and dark days I grab a hold of the faith and the hope to keep going. I am a Mother of 5 (almost 6), though I have 3 here with me and one on the way. I had a miscarriage in 2005 and I also lost my 3 1/2 year old son in 2011. This Mother heart of mine has seen some awful times and hard days, but with those days have came brighter days of remember and honoring my Angels. Kayden my 3 year old was unexpected at the time of his passing, he was waiting on a heart transplant, he was doing good and all of a sudden he's crashing. Kayden inspired me to help other families who are going through what we did in his short life and be there for the families who have lost their babies or children from a heart condition or any thing. I can't say every day is an easy day because that's a lie, but I've chosen LOVE, I've chose to inspire mother's and families all around the world...it doesn't matter how hard your specific journey gets or how dark your day seems, there is STILL HOPE!!! Kayden became an Angel July 14, 2011, ever since then we have done donations to the hospital he was at when we lost him for his birthday which is December 21, and we've also done food bags for families in the PICU of the hospital. We are now in the process of getting a toy box and donating it in his memory and filling it up monthly or every couple months. I'm always looking for new ways to help these families out. It's a tough journey when you have a child sick, but you ARE NOT ALONE!! When you lose your child, you ARE NOT ALONE! You are never alone. So many people get lost in their grief and they lose their self and their sight of everything. Friends don't know what to say so they disappear, little do they know disappearing only makes it worse and makes you feel alone. Reach out to someone, it takes strength to do that, but we all need it and we need to know we are not alone on this road ♥ My heart is broken, it shattered the day I lost my son, it's being pieced back together a little at a time. Each of those pieces make up my Mother Heart. This journey isn't near being over, but I will take each day one at a time until I find my place in the world and until I inspire people all around the world by telling my story ♥

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

All I've ever wanted..

Ever since I became a mom I have always wanted the best for my kids...as we all do. I became a mom to an Angel baby March 1, 2005 and two months later I got pregnant with Alexis, she made me a mommy to a beautiful little baby girl. Now that beautiful baby girl is a beautiful little girl and I'm mama lol no more mommy. In December of 2007 I became a mom again to a handsome baby boy, though he wasn't completely healthy, he was perfect to me. That is when my life took a drastic change. I never knew what I was made of until I took care of that child. I then became a mom again in May 2009 and December 2010!
My kids are my life and God knows I would do anything for them. I have people who are starting to get in the way of this which is really aggravating and frustrating me. I don't understand why people must push people back from doing what they can.

So here I am once again still trying to find my place in this world. I know I'm not where I want to be...Ever since I lost Kayden, I've wanted nothing but to help families and make his memorial fund a success but I've at the same time got to provide for the other kids so it seems like everything is just falling apart. I want to help these families that are going through so much of what I had to go through 3 short years ago...These next few months are so hard for me, they were Kayden's last months of life and after June and July it gets worse, because those months after I lost him...those months were living hell. I don't remember much from those months they were a blur. Finally I started getting out in the world again trying to put one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward with my kids and Kayden as an Angel. But now it seems people don't like seeing me doing okay so they have to see what they can do to make my life miserable and knock me down...So I'm at a standstill again, not sure which way to go. Because I am so tired of making wrong choices and choosing the wrong direction.....I just want to sit right where I'm at and stay don't move forward..if anything I want to go back.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Wandering around this world...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around not sure of where I'm going or who I'm going with. I keep fighting and screaming to get where I need but no one hears me and no one sees me. I feel like I give my heart away too easily, the last time I did I got hurt in the end because of lies, and no trust...All we did was argue..Now here I am 19 weeks pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has no interest at all. So I will be raising one more on my own. I keep asking myself what is God's plan for me..really? What is it? I am a single mom of soon 5 and I have basically a dead end job that's worthless and I hate going into it every day. I couldn't finish school because of babysitting issues and no time for my kids. So I'm attempting a bachelors online as soon as they get my transcripts. So maybe this will work out I don't know. I recently well about a month ago started talking to an old friend of mine well a guy I was talking to a couple years ago. He's pretty awesome, has a good head on his shoulders, he is older and he isn't a kid like what I've been chasing. He actually knows how to treat a woman. So maybe this works out, I am really feeling him and hope he is me. I don't know we just talk and hang out he's fun! I enjoy his company and the kids like him a lot! I just don't know where this will end up. I'm afraid it'll end up the same way as everything else in my life. But I'm afraid to try or give more because not sure if it'll be worth it...IF you ask me yea he is worth it, he's a good man. But ugh I've been hurt so many times in my past that I can't stand another heart break..I'm a complicated person, I've been bent and broken and ripped apart from the inside out and outside in. Had the most precious thing taken from me and still trying to deal with it. I've had a crazy childhood, went from the bottom and brought myself up to where I am today obviously with my moms help and my kids for giving me strength to keep going. I have the determination and strength to keep fighting, but when will the fight be over? I just want to relax for a change.