I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 17, 2015

If only..

My head is going around in circles tonight. Lately I've been going back reading old blog posts..From before I lost Kayden and afterwards. There are absolutely no words to even describe what I've went through...My whole life has been a crazy roller coaster. I've had ups and downs, and when things were good they were really good, but when they got bad, man they hit rock bottom...

I have posted lately about certain people, without mentioning names. I can't post names, I can't find the courage to actually let these people know the truth, how I feel. So my head is a mess again tonight and no one to talk to, no shoulders to cry on...And right now I need it. Have you ever held something in for so long, and when you actually find it in you to tell someone it's too late and you can't say it? Yea, it sucks big time..Now I'm left wondering how much life would be different had I said then what I should have. Have you ever had someone on your mind so much it seems they are taking over your thoughts? Gah yea I'm stuck in that position and I'm hurting so bad. If I give too many details, then someone is bound to find out who I'm talking about specifically. But oh well...I've got to let it out. When there is someone you've known for so long, and you've always been friends, they haven't always been directly there but if you needed them or they needed you, then you're always there for each other..You don't hold nothing against them, past or present. But when they show up in your life again, you can feel a connection, and you can't say it. But you lose yourself in their presence. Then something happens, something BIG, and that makes you wonder why it happened? I mean, I believe in God, I believe he knows how we feel. He knows how I feel, he knows how I feel about this individual, so why did he allow this situation to happen? Now I can't help but question, was this person actually meant to be in my life forever? And how, what's their purpose, is it the one I'm meant to be with? Or maybe it was to show each other our true characters....Either way, my feelings towards this person haven't changed, except I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing them in bad situations, I just want to help, yet I pull back because he's hers for now...Just wish this man would realize what he has had in front of him for a very long time, maybe he sees it, maybe he's just too stubborn to give in? I don't have a clue. Maybe it'll happen over time, but I am a very impatient and jealous person. YES I did just ADMIT to that lol! I admitted it to the world, or at least who runs across my blog =]! LOL. I was talking to someone a couple days ago, telling them the situation. She said let me ask you a question, do you love him? Yes she used the big L word bahah! I was honest, and I told her, no I don't believe I love him, though I could be easily. I have very strong feelings there that always surface when this person shows up in my life. So what's there to do with that? I mean I can't tell him, because if I do, honestly right now it's not going to change a thing unfortunately. I just know it's never been the right time it seems like. Or when it was for him, it wasn't for me. Like now, it's good for me but not him. I mean it's a win lose situation. Now my heart is hurting, because it's a wait and see game I'm playing here. Do you actually understand how much that hurts and makes me break down and just cry?! He's the kind of person I can be myself around, I can joke with him, scream at him, laugh with him, anything and he doesn't care and does it right back. I hate it. I hate caring about someone I can't have, I hate crying, I hate he's her's and she doesn't deserve him, I HATE that he controls my thoughts and he doesn't even know.....It's easy to say just tell him. Yeaaa okay. Ya'll are crazy. Because if I do, I'm just hurting myself, putting myself up for failure, and to be let down. So for the time being....my thoughts will just stay like they are, and I'll cry when I'm alone, and I'll smile to the world like there is nothing wrong. And when he's around, I'll pretend all is okay and smile like always, even when inside, it's truly killing me to be around him =/

Hope you all have a better night than I'm having <3

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Just let go..

I think I've blogged more recently than I did all year last year lol.

I'm having a rough night tonight. So many tears have been cried, so many silent screams, so many raw emotions coming out tonight. Tonight's one of those I throw my hands up and fall to my knees in tears, and just stay that way with the tears running down my face..yep that's been me basically all night...Very hard to do when you have 3 kids around, Elijah starts crying..so I pick him up and that sweet smile makes me forget everything for a split second...Tavion comes in the room and says, why you crying for..I tell him, I'm not crying bud lol. He knows better...Alexis by now just doesn't ask. 

So many of you know how much I grew spiritually and in my relationship with God over the last year. I didn't let anything get to me..I quit my job and handed it over to Him. I prayed, I applied, I did everything to help myself. He opened doors for me. I moved, got myself into a better place financially...now my work has ended and I'm losing sight. I need to get it together. I'm letting situations and people consume me. I didn't do this 6 months ago...what is so different now that I can't shake it?! 

My heart is heavy tonight...we all have those few people we can run to and can tell your most deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences to. In order to do so, you trust these people with anything. But what happens, when you lose the last person you can tell everything to(besides God)? It's like losing a piece of your soul. That person knows so much about you and your life. I kind of feel like that's whats happened to me now....I feel like I've lost that one last person I could tell absolutely anything to...Now my heart is hurt, my soul is torn, and my thoughts are a mess. Now all I can do is cry...I don't think people quite understand the amount of trust others put in them. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone. This person didn't specifically break that trust, but they may as well have....silence is deafening. I know this I've lived in silence for 3 1/2 years though things are going on around me. When you try to help someone do the right thing, yet they run in the opposite direction. Why do they? Are they afraid of what the future holds? Are they afraid of change? Maybe they just don't want to accept what is? I have a hard time accepting what is sometimes....Sometimes we are blinded by lies and fake apologies, I've been there more than once or twice...or 10 times...So therefore I hate seeing others blinded by the two, or being treated badly. When you have turned to me, and I've been there any way possible and you push me away and shut the door in my face(that's how it seems). That's just flat out wrong. I'm sorry but if you have someone in your life who accepts you for who you are, do anything in their power to be sure you're okay, would put your needs before their own, that's who you need to hang on to because THOSE are the real ones. And I am that kind of person, I put people before myself. I try to hold back so much because I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't say a lot unless I get super mad, I try to be honest with everyone. Where does lying get you? Absolutely nowhere....

Let me be completely honest here, I love my kids with every piece of my soul, I would die for them. But sometimes it is hard for me to accept that I have 4(5) kids and most men are afraid of that so I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. While their dads are off enjoying their lives doing as they please....bitter? Possibly...they deserve the experience of not being able to go do what you want. Not that I do much anyways. Before I got pregnant with Elijah and the kids went to their dads, I was either sleeping, working, or I'd visit my friends who also have kids....oh until I got pregnant with Elijah, that time I went to visit a guy friend who had no kids lol. But sometimes, mama needs that little break..sometimes mama needs a night out to let out her stress. After all, single mama's are superheroes you know. We play mom, dad, nurse, doctor, best friend, and anything else that applies every single day....not just once or twice a week. 

I am slowly learning sometimes, we have to let go and walk away..It'll never be easy. But whatever is meant to be will always be, we have an amazing God who has a plan for us all...he will be sure everything goes according to his plan on his timing. Be patient and wait. Sometimes I am quick to forget all of this. And quite possibly I'm taking things too personal as I always do. After losing Kayden, I became an emotional wreck, and I'm talking like those wrecks you see when everything goes up in flames. Yep that's me. No matter if people don't mean things on a personal level, I take it that way. I'm complicated, I'm annoying some days, I obsess over little things, I'm extremely emotional, and I over think everything. But I also love deeply, I care about others, and I try my best in all that I do. I am strong though I am weak, I can laugh through almost any situation, though I am crying inside. I've said the last few years since Kayden's been gone, it takes a stronger person to stay in my life and put up with me because my life has been a crazy mess this far, but that's exactly all it is...life.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Another year in the books...

Wow so 2014 is almost over. One more day left, so I'm definitely going to tell my story of this year...starting with December 31, 2013....At around 1 am on 12/31/13 I was in the emergency room being told I was pregnant...the emotions flooded in quickly, scared, nervous, happy, sad, all kinds of them. I cried, I was so scared, I was't sure I wanted more kids after losing Kayden. I was sad because I knew Kayden would never get to hold this baby, never get pictures with this baby. And unfortunately I hate to admit, I was unsure about who the babys father was. I had just got back with my now ex after being broke up for a month and a half & while we were broke up I was talking to an old friend of mine I've known half of my life. Now the world knows the story but hey at least it wasn't like 15 people right? The guy I was with claimed to love me so yea I ended up making the decision to get back with him. We ended up breaking up in March, he had been cheating on me and well I opened my eyes and realized he never really cared about me. Both of them knew it was possible the baby could have been either of theirs....So anyways I ended up going through the entire pregnancy alone, labor and delivery alone well my mama was there for that...After my little rainbow was born, I did find out Elijah was my friends baby, so who said friends can't have kids together? Exactly, lol so far we're doing pretty good at it I hope it continues. Elijah is his first and my fifth baby. I'm not sure what God's plans were when we blessed us with Elijah, though I do know I was on a road blinded by what I thought was love. The whole pregnancy I grew stronger in my relationship and faith with God and I'm pretty comfortable with where I am today. Though I made a big mistake when I didn't end up with Elijah's dad a year ago...But the time just wasn't right I guess and I thought my ex loved me because I did love him.

Today Elijah is 4 months old, I'm on my own, I quit my job in April 2014 and still taking care of all of my kids. I lost my car in November, first time since I was 16 without a car. This year has definitely been a challenge but I've held on to my faith and I trust in God that he will take care of us. He helps those who help their selves, And I am trying...I know in my heart Kayden knows his baby brother, and I have gotten a picture of them two together, it's bittersweet when I have to take my kids to see their brother at a cemetery but I'm so thankful for the headstone where they see his pictures and not just a name and dates. Kayden picked this little boy for us all, Elijah is truly Heaven sent and I am SO blessed to have him and all of his brothers and sister. I don't know what the future holds, but I know God has a plan and I know if I stay close to him, he will lead me in the direction I need to go in. So after this beautiful, crazy year I am saying so long to 2014 and welcoming 2015 with open arms, and can't wait to see what doors open for me this year <3 I hope you all have a blessed night and have a Happy and Safe New Year <3

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas from mine to yours...

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families. The kids were so excited and super happy with all Santa brought them, and everything our family got them! Though we were still missing that one special little person. Today was Kayden's 4th Christmas in Heaven. We had him here on Earth for 4 Christmas' so needless to say it wasn't an easy day to look forward to. I have had a rough month, I've felt myself shutting down to people around me. Once again it's happening, I haven't felt like this since Kayden passed. My heart is heavy every day, the flashbacks have been happening again and the dread that comes with special days (such as today). I feel like I must put on a show for the world, it's expected of me to be happy and go on with my life. Though part of me is still back in 2011 where Kayden was. I know he will forever be with me in my heart, but it's not the same. You can not heal this wound. It's there and it's never going to be any better. It still hurts just as much as it did then. Kayden was a huge part of my life. He was the rock that held our family together and now without him it's like we're all just lost.
Being a single mom is hard on it's own with kids, but being a single mom with children and having lost a child is a challenge all on its own. Some days I don't even know how I got through. My kids are my life and my whole world, I would do anything for them but sometimes, the road gets rough and I start doubting every choice and decision I make. Sometimes it would just be nice to have someone there to help me. I've been single now since March, I was 3 months pregnant with Elijah. So not only was I raising my children I was going through an entire pregnancy alone. It was hard some days and nights, I would just cry. I mean I'm not the type of person who is going to openly tell you how I feel, I have been hurt extremely too much in my life. So here I am almost 27 years old, 4 kids, and I care about this one person but yet can't even tell them. Yea coward maybe, but not really. My patience runs thin these days but I'm being patient and just waiting to see what the future holds. If it's meant to be then I have faith God will allow it to be...even if they are a bit blinded right now. No one knows who or how I feel about this. I just need to get it out somewhere because I'm so tired of bottling up my feelings and crying them out.
This person, I've known for awhile, I've cared about them before but didn't have the courage to even try based off previous relationships. Now my heart is hurting because I still have these feelings and now I'm pretty sure they could care less. Though I believe I could offer this person the world I just can't tell them because it would make absolutely no difference. I often wonder what it would be like now had I given this person a chance...I'm hoping time will open up his eyes and he'll see the truth around it all. God has a plan, everything happens for a reason I truly believe that. So I'm hoping he puts 2 and 2 together and the light bulb comes on and sees where he would fit perfectly into my life.

Anyways, today was Elijah's first Christmas and it was absolutely amazing. He got all kinds of goodies from Santa, both of his Nana's and Uncle Billy. I can not believe my baby boy is already 4 months old, it seems like he was just born =[

I'm hoping you all had a wonderful day and Merry Christmas!!!




Saturday, November 22, 2014

The heart of a grieving mother

As Thanksgiving is approaching, Kayden's birthday, Christmas and a new year I feel I need to write this...

Society keeps quiet about child loss, like it's a disease and if you speak about it then you'll catch the disease. Well I'll shut them down quick and say it's not a disease, my son lived, and my son passed on, I speak his name daily, and sometimes I want others to talk about him too.

Since I lost my little love bug, life has been a struggle. It's a daily walk as a grieving mother...I never understood the importance of life, I took things for granted and didn't have a care in the world. I had my perfect kids and perfect life. And then in 2010, my world came crashing down around me, I heard the words congestive heart failure from a doctor talking about my 2 1/2 year old son. I was scared to death, and for the next year I was in the fight for his and my life. Though then I didn't know I would only have a year left with him. Any little thing got him put in the hospital, ear infections, simple colds, or just his heart failure. In June 2011 Kayden was put in the hospital, evaluated and listed for his heart transplant and then in the early morning hours of July 14, 2011 my life, and my world was shattered. Kayden James Barnes went to Heaven that morning while waiting on a heart transplant, Kayden was 3 years 6 months and 23 days old.

Since that day my life became different. I felt different, I talked different, I loved different, I was like a completely different person. At first I was angry God took my son, I was mad at the world that my son was gone and everyone else had theirs, I couldn't even look at a 3 year old without being sad. People always said everything happens for a reason and I have always been a strong believer in that. But at that time in my life, I asked myself HOW could there be a reason for taking my sons life? Where is the reasoning behind that? I couldn't find the answers, I shut down away from everyone. I couldn't talk to people without tears in my eyes. People say the first year is the hardest, well I tell you what every year since he's been gone it's been hard and honestly every day since has gotten harder for me because it's been longer and longer since I've seen him, held him, or heard his sweet voice.

Here I am 3 years 4 months and 8 days later since I lost my baby and I admit I'm in a better place in my grief. I still miss my baby every day, I still think each day is harder, I don't believe it'll ever be easier. Every holiday seems to get harder without him, though I'm happy for my other kids. I love different, I love with all of my heart now, when I give it away I expect you not to break it, handle it with care because it's a fragile heart. My heart has been beat, broken, and shattered. It's been pieced together and scarred over. I look at the world and life in a different perspective. I care more about others and their feelings. I appreciate simple things more and I'm in church and doing great, though that is a walk all on it's on. I'm angry much less, though some days I get angry and yell and scream, WHY ISN'T MY SON HERE?! I'm now on a mission to help other families who are affected by congenital heart defects and child loss. I am doing all I can to keep my son's memory alive and tell his story.

Kayden is no longer here on earth with us, but he lives on through me and his brothers and sister. He lives on through his pictures, stories, and the memories he left behind. My heart hurts so much for my son, though I've learned to cope and handle the emotions. They come in waves by the way. I'll be happy in the morning but be a screaming crying mess by night some days. This Thanksgiving will be our 4th without that sweet handsome little boy. Kayden would be 7 years old December 21, I wonder what he would look like now, how would he be with his sister and his brothers, how much would his personality have grown. He had one heck of a personality anyways. I also wonder if he would have gotten his new heart and been okay.

The heart of a grieving mother is a mystery. You have to handle it with care, because she has lost the most precious gift anyone could ever have, she has seen and heard things that no one ever wants to. The words no mother ever wants to hear, 'I'm sorry your child died'. No they didn't put it that way to me at least but that's pretty much how it sounded. I had one doctor say, he was doing great a couple days ago what happened?! I had another say he was a very sick little boy, I'm so sorry for your loss. That has to be one of the hardest jobs for a nurse or doctor to tell a mother and family that a child is gone. Kayden had a few favorite nurses so they gave him his last bath that morning before their shifts ended. The nurses and doctors who came in our life with forever hold a place in my heart and I'll forever be grateful.

At the end of the day when the world is quiet and no one is moving in my house, I sit and think how much life would be different had Kayden lived. I cry, I miss him, I close my eyes and just go back to those days I held him, the days I watched him sleep, the days he played before he got really sick. I fear I'll forget what he sounded like so I'll sit and I'll think back to his voice and his cute little phrases and some days when my memory fades, I'll watch his videos just to hear him and see him, because I know at that moment in time, my sons heart was beating, he was here and was alive.

All I want is the world to know CHILD LOSS HAPPENS. It's not a disease, you can't catch it by listening. Say our child's name, don't tell us at least you have other kids. That is one of the worst to ever say and you'll get your head bit off, my other kids do NOT fill the loss, they do NOT heal the wounds from the battle I faced and am facing forever. They are their own people and are not Kayden. No one will ever take Kayden's place. Just listen to a grieving mother and you'll get a look into her heart....



Monday, September 22, 2014

It's been awhile...

Wow so I'm such a slacker, I haven't blogged since June!! So much has happened since then. Kayden's much dreaded 3rd Angelversary was on July 14. I still can't believe it's been 3 years since I've saw my 3 year old son. Over the last 3 years so much has happened, yet nothing has gotten easier. I still miss my baby boy as much as I did the day he left this world. Kayden was such a special little boy and no one will ever take his place and we'll continue to remember him and do good in his memory.
Also, on August 22, 2014 I brought my rainbow baby into the world. Elijah Isaac-James was born at 11:48am. He was born 3 years 1 month and 8 days after his oldest brother took his last breath. Elijah is the sweetest little guy ever, just like is big brother. He's got beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I hope they don't change.
Tavion started kindergarten at the beginning on the month. That's a tough pill to swallow. I can't believe he is old enough for big school. It breaks my heart, and Alexis started 3rd grade. My mind is still trying to wrap around me having a 3rd grader and kindergartner but the fact Alexis is almost 9 years old makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out LOL. I mean soon she will be in the double digits and be 10 AH! Seems like a lifetime ago....like it happened to someone else. I tell you a lot has happened since that February in 2006. At least their dad and I can most of the time get along without fighting and yelling at each other. Crazy isn't it lol!

Anyways on a serious note, I've been having some hard days lately. Missing Kayden so much, I hold Elijah all the time and talk to him about all the kids and I've been telling him about Kayden. My heart hurts because I'll never have a picture of Kayden holding Elijah like I do of him holding the other boys. It really breaks my heart, the only picture I have is Elijah in his car seat sitting next to Kayden's headstone. Which he did get to visit Kayden for the first time the other day with me. I feel overly protective over Elijah and I'm not sure if it's because he's my last child, my rainbow baby, or because I'm the only parent involved in his life..Or maybe it's all those reasons, so I feel I have to give him extra love so I don't let him cry much and I do always have him. I know I should let him cry to help build his lungs, but I feel so bad for letting him cry. It makes me feel horrible inside. Ya know, I'm not sure if I'll ever find me a guy to spend my life with. I'm so strong willed and stubborn I haven't found a man strong enough to handle me. It makes me wonder if that's why God has blessed me with boys ♥ Just say a prayer for me that hopefully these hard days go easy on me.

Elijah Isaac-James

 Elijah visiting Kayden for the first time

Me and my rainbow ♥ 

 Happy 1 Month to Elijah ♥

 Tavion and Alexis on their first day of school ♥



Sunday, June 8, 2014

I'm not who I use to be....

Today at church got my mind thinking. Not only did our pastor's wife sing one of my favorite songs ever, 'Redeemed' but the message really spoke to me. Spoke to me enough to blog about tonight and hopefully inspire someone. I have a lot of ghosts in my past as we all do, a lot I've done I'm not proud of. A lot that still haunts me by people I've known from long ago. They always bring up well I remember when you did this Misty, and I am like yea I don't even know who that person is anymore. It frustrates me that they bring those times up because I have pushed them to the back of my mind and forgotten them. I have asked for forgiveness I have gave my heart to God and I am doing my best to live right and stay true to him. I do need renewed sometimes in my walk and relationship with Jesus. When I feel like I'm failing him I pray about it and I will tell him Lord if there is anything I'm doing  wrong and not realizing it show me so I can change that. I mean I don't do much anyways stay home with the kids, go to moms and go to church lol. Facebook and blog. That's practically my life anymore. I don't go and drink and I don't do drugs. I'm not out here killing people, so yea I'm believing I'm doing what I'm suppose to yes we all can do better. Look what he did for us. So I know I can do better....

Honestly, I can't tell you when my relationship with Jesus Christ actually started. Maybe from the moment I was born or maybe it was not until 9 months ago when I started going to church regularly? I know I've always believed. I've never doubted there was a God. I thought I was invincible as a child and teenager as most do. But when I look back, our God is powerful, he is just amazing, he heals and he protects. Few people know unless you have known me forever know that I almost died at birth. I was born with a diaphragmatic hernia, I had a hole in my diaphragm so all of my stomach contents were in my chest cavity, I had to have surgery at only hours old. The doctors told my mom I probably wasn't going to survive...but I beat the odds and did make it. I was stubborn and a fighter but I had a God looking over me he knew I would be someone someday. I had another surgery at 10 years old due to scar tissue growing on my intestines and they had shifted, I probably could have died then if I wouldn't had went to the doctor. Since then I haven't had any issues out of that, though I'm reminded of that all the time, I have a huge scar going up my stomach from it. Again in 2002 I got hit by a pick up truck, luckily again I had a God watching over me and it fractured my back. I remember the impact and I remember hitting the ground. I remember trying to stand up and felt like knives poking out of my side. That could have been much worse...I continued to live my life as an invincible teenager though. Didn't change anything I was doing. Though you'd think by then I would have learned.

At 17 I had a miscarriage, that opened my eyes a lot and when I got pregnant 2 months later I was scared to death something bad was going to happen but 6 days after my 18th birthday I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was healthy as could be and a gift from God! But then at 19 my life took another drastic turn and this I believe is when my faith actually started getting tested finally, I believe now this is when God wanted me to start my walk with him, though I guess I was completely oblivious to it. I gave birth to my second child, another wonderful gift from God, a miracle. A son this time, Kayden James Barnes who was born with some health conditions and I wasn't sure of how his future would turn out. I did start praying then more than ever before. Most of you know Kayden's health conditions but if you are reading for the first time he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy and what then they though was ebstein's anomaly (later said to be a displaced tricuspid valve with severe regurgitation). Anyways as months went by Kayden had surgeries, we had many doctors appointments seems like every day we had one. Kayden ended up growing like a normal boy, besides taking 2 meds for the first year of his life for his heart condition, after that first year he only took 1. His heart function was almost normal by the time he was 2 years old. So we just lived our lives. I had Tavion in May 2009 who was completely healthy as could be and had more spunk in him than any child I'd ever seen! Life couldn't have been more perfect for our family.

But then in June 2010, Kayden had to have another surgery he was 2 1/2 years old and this was his 5th surgery. This was suppose to be a simple one to remove a cyst that had formed beside his ear. It was the first outpatient surgery he ever had. So I was nervous about it anyways. The morning of his surgery his ear was draining, but the ENT said oh no he is fine to go on with surgery, he didn't consult the cardiologist. I don't know what I was thinking, all I know now is I keep screaming to myself WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY NO NOT UNTIL YOU CALL HIS CARDIOLOGIST!! But I guess with his heart function being almost normal at his last appointment that was back in September of 2009 I thought oh he'll be perfectly fine......So surgery went on. After that surgery my son came out a different child. A month later my faith was put to the test again, Kayden went in congestive heart failure. I tell you his journey with heart failure I think my eyes cried more tears than they had ever cried until the day I lost him. I didn't know what would happen after that. I prayed daily for my son to be okay, though I never gave the situation fully to God, I thought I could handle it on my own. Though now I realize it was not in my control, it never truly was. It was always in his control. I witnessed a miracle with Kayden, when he had his open heart surgery they had to stop his heart and put him on the bypass machine. All the months prior and all the hospital stays his cardiologist would tell us how sick my sons heart was and how if his heart were to ever stop it would be hard to resuscitate him. I had the doctors at UVa tell me that he would probably not make it through a valve repair or replacement. When I left Kayden in that room in Boston I wasn't sure if I'd see him alive again. My heart fell to the ground and I broke down in tears outside the room because I didn't want him to see me upset. But Kayden came through that surgery, his heart took right over after that repair and come off the bypass fine. His surgeon in Boston was the best surgeon he could have ever had. Boston's Children's Hospital is the #1 hospital for pediatric heart patients. The surgeon who did the surgery from what I've heard is the best of the best, he told us after surgery they were surprised they figured Kayden was going to give them more problems then he did. So when my son came out of that surgery that well, yes ma'am or sir I witnessed a miracle, I witnessed God heal my son that day. Though he was not cured and not out of the woods, he brought him through that surgery and recovered perfectly fine.

Unfortunately it didn't last and to make the long story short and get to my point, his surgery didn't take but for about a month and it just had gotten worse. My heart was broken, I didn't know what to do or where to turn. All I knew is that the best surgeon couldn't fix my son's heart then who would be able to. So we knew he needed a transplant. He was admitted to UVa June 14, 2011 to be evaluated and listed for his new heart, his gift of life. My faith was running low, I always said ALWAYS said, why would God put Kayden through all of this from the beginning just to take him away. Why would he? What kind of person would do that? So that kept going through my head the whole time he was sick and in the hospital when he had a hard time coming off the ventilator so they left him on it a few more days. Though I continued to pray, I asked God to make him better just help him. It was totally out of my control, I couldn't give him medicine or put a band-aid on it and make it all better anymore. All I could do is hold his hand and talk to him, whisper in his ear and kiss his little head. Tell him everything was going to be alright. That is all I kept telling him, bubby everything is going to be alright, you just keep on fighting you hang in there. And he would just shake his head and if he was sleeping I'd still tell him the same thing, hang in there bubby it'll be okay, I love you. The night I got that call that we were losing him, I had never in my life fell to the floor in prayer but that night while rushing around the house trying to get thoughts together get in touch with someone to come pick me and the kids up to get me to the hospital because I was advised by my mom not to drive. I fell to the floor on my knees and begin to pray to God out loud to not take him from me, keep him here I needed him, I was talking to Kayden too and told him you hang in there baby I'm coming. Just keep your little heart beating. When I got the call back that Kayden was gone, I couldn't help but ask God WHY WHY DID YOU TAKE MY SON, WHY WHY WHY?!
...............................................Fast Forward to today..................................

Today June 8, 2014, it has been almost 3 years since I lost my son and I have been regularly going to church now since I think September of 2013. So many times I can not tell you how many or how many people have told me, Misty I admire you for going to church for all you have been through. If I lost my child they would have had to put me down I wouldn't have been able to go on.

You know I can't really put into words how I feel daily, yes I do agree I have been through a lot just in the last 4 years. I did try going to church after I lost Kayden, and honestly I couldn't I cried EVERY time I went into the church no matter what the message was, I cried. I cried because I still blamed God for taking Kayden, I blamed him for putting me through this I blamed him, he was in charge HE was the one who was suppose to keep my son here. HE made Kayden how he was and put him through all those surgeries 6 total in 3 1/2 years. So yes I did blame God for taking him and putting him through all of that and I was ANGRY I was very angry. But as time went on I kept thinking different things and looking at it different. I asked God to make Kayden better, and Kayden is better now he is in Heaven, he has a new heart in Heaven. It takes my breath away sometimes and brings tears to my eyes when I think about how his face looked when he woke up in Heaven and saw Jesus for the first time. Children that age, they go to Heaven, they don't know the difference between right and wrong, they still have that innocence in their selves. When I look at all the things God has allowed me and our family to do to honor Kayden and help other families dealing with hospital stays out, I feel Kayden with us. From the first toy donation we ever did for his birthday back in 2011 until last years in 2013. Each year it gets bigger and bigger, and I tell you God has big plans for our mission. I have been called and I believe in my heart to help these families out, I feel there is more he wants me to do and I'm not sure what it is, but I am hoping soon I will realize what that is. I have dreamed of also telling Kayden's story in real life giving people a sense of hope after loss. Life as a grieving mother is hard. Losing you're child, there is no worse. You don't get over that loss, it's one that will stick with you until the day they lay you in the ground. But you don't have to life in the grief, you can be happy also and smile. You can still walk with your child, maybe not physically but I carry Kayden in my heart every single day of my life and that will never change. The loss of my son really hit me harder than anything ever has and it made me a new person. I don't know who I was before I lost him, but now I am a better person and I have turned to God to help me get through those trying days when I feel like I don't have the strength to get out of bed. Because I know with him ALL things are possible. I do believe in my heart I will one walk in the Kingdom of Heaven with my God, with my grandparents, with my mom, and especially with my son.

So on your most difficult days, I want to challenge you to stop what you're doing clear your head and pray about your situation, but after you pray about it I want you to make a change, a change that will help better that situation for you. Because he hears us but still sometimes we have to do things for our selves to make things better.